her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
