What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
