my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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