She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
