the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
