Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
