my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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