Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
