Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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