we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
