I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
