Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Do you still have your period?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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