i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize