Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
wow bdsm is so cute
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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