I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
