come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
