i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
