theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
