I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
