I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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