This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
