If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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