woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
