My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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