Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
