just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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