Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
