My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
