I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
