So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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