The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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