I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize