Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize