i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I looked at my own cervix.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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