Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
