just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
