found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
