I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
