I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
