You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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