It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
