A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
