You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
