Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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