So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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