you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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