Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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