She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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