really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
