I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
