She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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