I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
third nipple confirmed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
