Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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