he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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