I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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