You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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