He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize