I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
