so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
