It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
