Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
