On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
